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Written Jokes

Q. Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A. It got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs, and was still stuck.
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Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour." Bill Gates continued, "Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50." In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replied, "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
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This little red fox walks into a bar..."Got any grapes?" he asks of the bartender.

The bartender looks at the little fox and says: "First, we don't have any grapes, because this
is a bar, and second, we don't serve foxes, so get the hell out."

Next day, fox walks into the bar. "Got any grapes?"

The bartender looks at the little fox and says: "Look, I told you yesterday, we don't have any
grapes, and we definitely don't serve foxes, so get the hell out!"

Next day, fox walks into the bar. "Got any grapes?"

The bartender looks at the fox and says: "I'm telling you for the last time, we don't have any
damned grapes, and we don't serve foxes, so if you ask me if I have any grapes again, I'm going
to nail your little paws to the floor! Now get out of here!"

Next day, little fox walks into the bar. "Got any nails?"

The bartender looks amazed at the little fox and says: "What? This is a bar. We don't have any nails."

Little fox grins and then says: "Good, Got any grapes?"
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"  After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?

Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
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If the end of the world were to arrive, how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Inquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT
                   THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON"
                     DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
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Actual Newspaper Headlines:

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicholaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Include your Children when Baking Cookies
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Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
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Only in America do banks leave both doors open but chain the pens to the counters.
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Only in America do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli-" in latin meaning "many" and "-tics" are "blood-sucking creatures".
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Only in America do we make towns that are the size of a friggin' four-way stop!  (This is true.  A city in South Carolina consists of a gas station, a corner store, and a small house.  It's all located on one four-way stop.  The sign a few feet before the "town" actually says "Town ahead, don't blink".)
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A couple named Wong had a baby.  The nurse brings to them a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the parents.  "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we'll name him 'Sum Ting Wong'."
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WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do YOU know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
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Part of an act by Tom Cotter on Comedy Central:

I love performing.  I do.  But you know what kills me?  Before I do a show some idiot comes up to me and says, "Hey, break a leg!"  Screw you!  I hope you rupture your spleen, you idiot.  What kinda greeting is that?  Now they don't mean anything by it, we just don't know what we're saying in our language, do we?

"I don't wanna beat a dead horse."  I don't want you to, either!
"There's more than one way to skin a cat."  How many ways do you need, you Nazi?
We say stupid stuff.
"He looks down his nose at me."  Well, of course.  We all look down our nose.  If he could look up his nose at you, either he'd be a freak or you'd be a booger.  Those are the only options.
"She's a party pooper."  Eugh...  Keep her away from the dip.
"He's on the lam."  He needs a girlfriend immediately.
We say dumb stuff.
"Hey, can I bend your ear?"  Sure, if I can poke you in the eye, you jackass.
"Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed."  What the hell is that?  Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed is a squirrel on crack, that's what that is.
"I don't give a rat's ass."  Who wants to receive a rat's ass?
"She'll bend over backwards to please you."  O_O.......  What's her number?
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Stupid Laws:
"In South Carolina, it is illegal for females to walk on the same side of the street as a barber shop."
"In South Carolina, it is illegal for people to wear pants with back pockets."
"In California, it is illegal to shoot a whale from your car with an elephant gun on a rainy Friday afternoon."
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You don't know Jack Schitt!:

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!".  Soon you will be able to handle this situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.  Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt Incorporated.  In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, the twins Deep and Dip, Fulla, Giva, and Bull Schitt.  Against his parents' strong objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.  They produced two children: Heeza and Sheeza.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced.  Noe Schitt married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she decided to keep her previous name also.  She became known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.  Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son - Chick N. Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.  The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse Schitt.  Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.  He recently returned with his Italian bride, Pisa Schitt, who was pregnant with the twins Ima and Ura

Now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!", you can correct them.
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New computer viruses!!  Be on the lookout for these!!

The Clinton Virus: Gives you a 7-inch hard drive with no memory.
The Viagra Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
The Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
The Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after 2 bytes.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus: Disks can no longer be inserted.
The Titanic Virus: Your whole computer goes down.
The Disney Virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
The Prozac Virus: Screws up you RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
-- And the worst one of all -- The Lorena Bobbit Virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
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An Attempted Escape.  (I know this joke is old, but I still think it's funny!)

An American fighter pilot was shot down over Germany during WWII and captured by the Nazis.  Since he had a serious injury to his leg, the Nazis amputated it.  The American asked, "Can you do me a favor and send that back to my base in England?"  The Nazis agreed and sent the leg to England.
The next day, the Nazis cut off the man's other leg and again the man asked, "Can you send that back to my base in England?"  Once again, the Nazis agreed and sent the leg back to England.
The next day, the Nazis cut off the man's left arm.  The man asked one more time, "Can you send that back to my base in England?"  The head Nazi responded, "Nein!  We cannot do this for you anymore!"  The man asked why and the Nazi responded with, "We think you are trying to escape!"
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"The Top 10 Things Commentators Can't Say About Mark Martin's 2001 'Viagra' Taurus":
10. "...it had a long, hard run today."
9. "...dives into the pits for a splash-and-go."
8. "...is extending his lead."
7. "...rear-ends the leader."
6. "...has used up his rubber."
5. "...had stiff competition today."
4. "...is dropping fluid on the track."
3. "...has been hard on his equipment."
2. "...has been hard on the competition."
And the number 1 thing broadcasters can't say about the "Viagra" Taurus is:
1. "...he fell out early."